I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
