Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
