my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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