I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
