the condom got lost in my hair
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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