Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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