guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize