this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
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