First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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