We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
