I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
two words: eviction party
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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