I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
