also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
