Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
