I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
