it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
