Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Randomize
