it hurts more in the daytime
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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