So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Randomize
