i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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