Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
