my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Randomize
