im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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