So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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