i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Randomize
