You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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