overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
