Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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