How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
