Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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