mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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