he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
