I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
