what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
