you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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