My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
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