I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
