sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize