I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize