Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
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