I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
