apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
