I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Randomize
