My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Randomize
