listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
