Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
