I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
you made out with another girl for some wings
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Randomize
