Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
