he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
