we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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