My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
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