Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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