problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
